Grief Recovery Counseling
Back in my practice days I saw many individuals who were suffering the effects of grief and loss after having lost a close loved one. This could include a friend, spouse, child, partner, parent or other relative who had passed on suddenly due to illness or accident. Occasionally I was presented with a couple where one of them had recently received a terminal illness diagnosis and only had months to live. All of these situations were particularly traumatic in their own way.
The case of these latter couples was really no different than any case of grief and loss. In essence, both partners had to deal with their feelings. Once the terminally ill partner accepted the inevitability of their death, they seemed to have an easier time addressing this necessity. I saw this happen in my own family when my brother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years back. He has since passed away. It was my sister who suffered the most. She had to go on and manage life for her and their daughter by herself. In my experience, the surviving partner always had the most difficult time.
The goal of counseling is always to listen and reflect back to the client what they are expressing at a feeling level. With experience, identifying the feelings behind the words became second nature to me and my reflections were mostly accurate. I would take what the client said and translate it into something like: “So what you’re saying is that you feel scared, disorganized, confused, angry and perhaps sad all at the same time?” Then I would ask them to check “inside” to see if that was accurate. It usually was and thus began the exploration of their feelings.
As the client revealed a particular feeling, or set of feelings, I would instruct them to focus and describe them in more detail. That required that they pay closer attention to the feeling and address all its aspects including any physical reactions. More often than not, tears would begin to flow as the feeling was expressed and then released. The process of describing feelings in detail helps release their associated pain. This became the essence of my approach to grief recovery counseling. I called this stage “priming the pump.”
Some clients would ask about “Stages” and “Theories”, usually after having read something or being given advice by a friend. Acknowledging this might be interesting as an intellectual curiousity, I would then re-focus them on their feelings because this was where successful grief recovery counseling had to go. After a few sessions they would realize that dealing with feelings always produced the most favorable results, so interest in side matters diminished. People soon realized that dealing with feelings over grief and loss had many additional benefits. In fact what they were learning about grief recovery and feelings had advantages that could be applied to other aspects of their lives.
Externals, such as stages, theories, charts and graphs can help illustrate important points about a particular experience or grief event. These make for good news reporting and the plethora of self-help books available today. Grief recovery resources and counseling focus on Internals such as emotions, feelings and associated physical reactions. They focus on our Heart and Feeling center because that is where we experience the quality of our life and the pain of a major loss. Once an individual becomes engaged in the process of “looking in” they have a new tool with which to manage their life. Journaling, writing letters to the deceased, listening to soothing music and reading grief related poetry will put you in touch with Your Heart, and that’s where healing takes place.
A well written grief recovery book can become an excellent counselling companion as long as it is designed to put you in touch with your feelings. A fully narrated grief resource can take you even further. Since the feelings associated with grief and bereavement are so intense, youre practically there. Just a little push and the guidance counselling resource book and youre on your way. For most of us, all we need is Permission to Feel. Our heart and soul will take it from there because we have engaged our body and feeling natures innate healing capability.
Trying to apply externals to an internal problem is futile. It only serves to distract us from the real issue which our feelings will gladly tell us about. Thankfully, counselling and a well crafted book resource will re-acquaint you with your feeling state and guide you through the process of grief recovery, just as any good grief counsellor would.
This has been a brief overview of what grief recovery counseling, via a professional therapist or well-crafted grief resource, can provide. We reviewed why externals can detract from the process and why a program that focuses on your emotions and feelings is the key to a successful recovery. By applying these tools you will come to a point where thinking about your loss seldom brings you to tears. As the grief wound heals, what you are left with is the love in your heart. As Martha Stewart would say: “And that’s a good thing.