Review of Grief Recovery Stages
The stages of Grief Recovery are not the same as Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Death and Dying. After working with terminally ill individuals for several years she came up with 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression and 5) acceptance as typical reactions to the diagnosis. These have nothing to do with the grief recovery process even though they are often confused as such. In this article I aim to clearify what the grief recovery stages truly are.
In reviewing the available material from various Mental Health Associations and my own 25 years of experience helping individuals, couples and families deal with Grief and Loss, I can offer the following stages of Grief Recovery. These coincide well with our current understanding of the bereavement process and what grieving individuals actually go through. In this article I aim to clear up a long standing area of confusion.
Stage 1) Shock and Numbness – This is what we experience immediately after the news of the death of a loved one. Disorientation enters our consciousness and we find we cannot think our way through previously simple challenges. This is a common experience for most individuals experiencing a sudden loss. Some have described this period as “sleepwalking” as they go through the funeral and necessary legal details which follow a death.
2) Disorganzation and Disintegration: As the shock of losing a loved one begins to taper off we are now faced with feelings of grief and loss. Emotional disintegration and temporarily “falling apart” are common as the shock hits home with full force. We feel the impact of the loss now and our emotions reacgt accordingly. There may be physical symptoms that affect sleep and appetite. These should be taken up with your family doctor. Emotional feelings such as anxiety, consfusion, depression and anger may now arise, depending on what our relationship to the deceased involved. Breaking down periodically may occur without notice. Our body and feeling nature are just trying to release stress, while our conscious mind has been sidelined.
Stage 3) Bereavement and Grief Recovery – Once you are past the shock and have started to come out of disorganization, bereavement and grief recovery can begin in earnest. You can now make full use of your grief recovery resources including books, audio books, healing music and grief counseling. These days, you can be part of an online support group where sharing is the by-word and all persons there are eager and ready to listen and help each other recover. You are not alone, unless you choose to be. And you are not a victim, unless you choose that as well!
Stage 4 – Coming Back Together / Reintegration – You’ve been following an action plan laid out in your favored grief resources. A good book, counselor or support group has provided a set of guidelines to follow and you realize this journey of recovery is manageable. Books, audio resources, counseling and support groups provided the framework to recovery you’ve been looking for. Your action steps bear fruit. You notice a little less emotional tenderness with each passing day and more of your old self returning. Your life has changed. You’ve lost a valued loved one. The pain at times felt unbearable. But you are past that now and your grief recovery is near the end.
As you can see these 4 stages of grief recovery are not the same as the Kubler-Ross designations. There are some similarities but the differences are quite stark. What you go through in grief recovery and bereavement is not the same as what an individual with a terminal diagnosis has to face. Bereavement results from the loss of a loved one, through murder, suicide, accident or illness and may involve the loss of a parent, child, spouse, friend or life partner. I have dealt with all of these losses so I know on a personal level that these stages make sense.
For a successful grief recovery I recommend the following: 1) Acquire a good reading and/or audio book resource that you can access whenever you want and need to, something that will provide support and guidance as you work your way through the necessary grief recovery action steps. 2) Check out any support groups in your area. This will help eliminate the feeling that you are alone and will normalize your recovery experience.
3) Sometimes local groups are not available. Not to worry because online Grief Support Networks are plentiful. Just do a search for “Grief Support Online” and numerous choices will be available to you. Again, the main benefit is community and a sense of belonging. There is no need to go through grief alone or suffer for an extended period of time. Share your story with others and listen to theirs. This helps you both. 4) If necessary see a therapist. Some of your early experiences may be too overwhelming or confusing. See an expert. He or she will help you get on track with a tailor made grief recovery program.